This page describes relationship issues as addressed within the context of couples counseling. If you would prefer to attend individual, personal counseling, please visit my relationship counseling page.
Are You Longing For Something More In Your Marriage Or Partnership?
Is there a growing emotional distance or lack of intimacy between you and your partner? Do you feel unheard, unappreciated, or unloved? Are you tired of longing for more cooperation, comfort, closeness, or connection? Or have things deteriorated to the point that you’re wondering how to save your marriage?
Even if you and your partner don’t argue much, the modern-day stresses of managing finances, growing your career(s), and raising children push many couples apart. If you understandably struggle to find time for each other amidst juggling these demands, you may be feeling disconnected and alone.
Distance and resentments can be quick to build between you if life becomes not much more than a challenging day at work followed by a game of tag team with your partner in the evenings and on weekends. Days grind into weeks of negotiating kid drop-offs, folding laundry, buying groceries, cooking, doing dishes, helping with homework, squeezing in a workout if you’re lucky, and then—exhausted—finding time to connect about how to be on the same page in the face of this week’s parenting challenge.
If your contributions aren’t noticed or appreciated as much as you would like, you may feel hurt and disappointed. If you feel that your partner isn’t contributing enough, you may have tried to communicate your needs only to be labeled as controlling, too much, or ungrateful. You may be asking yourselves, “How do we find more balance and foster the joy and love stifled inside us?”
In contrast to couples who don’t argue much but drift apart, others have arguments that they step into regularly. It could be that despite each of your best efforts, you are still unable to resolve your recurring disagreements. Moreover, if past attempts have ended in conflict, you may have learned to avoid the same dead-end arguments by bottling up your feelings, making the distance grow. If caving in seems like the only way to end arguments, you may resent how that’s forced you to neglect your own needs.
Relationship And Marriage Problems Are Extremely Common
As a culture, we have been taught very romanticized ideas about relationships. Our partners, we are told, should have unwavering feelings of love and sexual desire for us, even as we approach middle age. From the moment we meet them, our partners should intuitively know what we need. Once we’re married, they should remain our best friend, trusted confidant, and passionate lover and provide us with just the right balance to satisfy our shifting needs for security and adventure, predictability and surprise, familiarity and novelty.
We ask more of our partners than they can possibly give, according to Esther Perel in Mating in Captivity:
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
The reality of relationships, as you have likely discovered, is quite different from the fantasy that we are fed. Nonetheless, many of us have internalized these romanticized ideals. Even if we don’t entirely believe in them ourselves, we may pursue or emulate them in an attempt to satisfy others’ expectations or because we don’t have another road map.
The “happily ever after” mentality suggests that falling in love is easy and that life after marriage is even easier. Given how difficult relationships truly are, this sets us up for disappointment and fails to prepare us for the hard work involved in cultivating a healthy relationship. An emotionally and erotically intelligent relationship is alive and evolving, a story with new chapters that both partners are writing together.
A committed relationship can provide a sense of connectedness, validation, love, and growth that is highly satisfying. But getting there isn’t as easy as Hollywood would have us believe; it involves a great deal of patience, communication, openness to discovery, and creative problem-solving—and oftentimes—a bit of professional help in the form of couples therapy or marriage counseling.
Couples Counseling With Renée Spencer, MFT
No one gets through life without being hurt and developing certain sensitivities. I can help you and your spouse to navigate these emotional wounds and triggers more effectively. In some cases, the answer may lie in your childhood or past relationships, so we’ll explore both of your backgrounds and how they shape your expectations for and perception of each other. If a past trauma has made it difficult for you to be vulnerable, for example, I’ll help you and your partner communicate with greater compassion and openness.
If you tend to have the same arguments over and over, I can help you unpack the true meaning behind those conflicts. Sometimes people find themselves getting intensely activated in the face of a minor disagreement. I can help you uncover what might be fueling a disproportionate reaction to how to decorate the house or the right way to replace a toilet paper roll.
To help you and your partner feel heard and understood, I’ll suggest a variety of communication strategies, including active listening, how to use “I” statements, and the power in leading with vulnerability. Drawing from established principles of nonviolent communication, I’ll teach you to stay away from polarizing language and to avoid blame. This will help you to communicate your feelings and concerns with greater tact, respect, and likelihood of being heard.
As your conversations become less hurtful and more productive, you may find that you naturally grow closer. Couples counseling can help transform your relationship from a source of tension and resentment to a place of comfort, closeness, and personal growth. On the other hand, if you come to decide to end your relationship, therapy can help you begin a conscious uncoupling that minimizes pain and encourages mutual respect.
As you consider couples therapy, you may be wondering. . .
Am I weak or broken for needing couples therapy?
Of course not. No one is born knowing how to build a relationship or how to peaceably co-habitate with another person, so it’s natural to seek assistance. If you wanted to improve your physical health, you might consult a nutritionist or personal trainer. If you wanted to remodel your house, you would consult a contractor. Getting help from a skilled therapist to improve or “remodel” your relationship is no different because it, too, enables you to fulfill your desires in an important area of your life.
Do we really need couples counseling? We’ve been functioning well enough.
Maybe you and your partner haven’t been actively fighting. Perhaps you’re just feeling a bit distant. You might even have friendly conversations at the dinner table and collaborate well for household or parenting responsibilities.
However, if you’re feeling disconnected, unsatisfied, or resentful, these emotions—when left unaddressed—can fester and grow. Your busy lifestyle and desire to keep the peace might lead you to sweep these issues under the rug. Unfortunately, misunderstandings and hurtful behaviors can compound and become entrenched over time.
If you’re just noticing signs of trouble, my advice is this: don’t wait for your kids to move out before you work on your marriage. Sorting out your problems now while they are less entrenched and therefore easier to deal with can save you a lot of potential heartache in the future, at which point years of hurt will already have been swept under the rug.
Does couples therapy work? What if we end up separating?
Yes, couples therapy does help many people, but there is no guarantee that it will help you stay together. I recommend that you come for a consultation to see if I’m the right fit for you. You’ll get a felt sense rather quickly of whether our meetings feel productive. Some people fear couples therapy because they’re not sure whether their relationship can be salvaged. Couples counseling can help you get clear on that. In some cases, a relationship that seems irreconcilably broken may turn out to be salvageable.
And for some people, couples therapy gives partners invaluable clarity that significant change isn’t possible. Some couples opt to find ways to make the best of their lot, giving up on expecting something different. Others decide that they will likely be happier apart. Many people feel less regret knowing they’ve given it their best effort and left no stone unturned by going to couples therapy.
Of course, if separating the process is often painful, but for many it is preferable to staying in an unfulfilling relationship where it’s become clear that change is highly unlikely. I very rarely see divorced people who are still pining for their exes; the vast majority end up happier in the end.
When separating, I can help you make that transition or conscious uncoupling as smooth and amicable as possible for you, your partner, and especially for your children (if in the picture). I also provide divorced or divorcing couples with co-parenting support, and later down the road, help with blended family challenges.
You Deserve To Feel Heard And Be Loved
I am a licensed family and marriage therapist, and I’ve been giving couples the tools to develop happier, healthier relationships for more than 20 years. I’ve developed a sense for when to offer suggestions and when to listen, and I have a wide variety of strategies I use to create a customized approach based on your unique situation, challenges, and goals. Contact me today for a free, 20-minutes phone consultation to see if I might be the right person to help you and your partner.
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