Relationships are all about communication. When you and your partner struggle with that, it can lead to some turbulence.
In some cases, you may start to feel disconnected, misunderstood, or even invisible—as if your partner doesn’t “get” you at all. While a lot of factors could play into that, oftentimes, these feelings come as a result of not expressing your needs effectively.
It’s not always easy to tell someone we love what we truly need in a relationship. First, you have to figure out what you need for yourself. Then, you have to talk to your partner in a way that reaches with them.
And since we all have different communication styles, you may have to get out of your comfort zone to express yourself.
So, how can you better voice your needs in your relationship?
1. Be Straightforward
If something is on your mind that’s been bothering you, be upfront about it with your partner when it comes to having a conversation. Make it specific, objective, and never use accusatory language toward your partner.
If something feels off in your relationship or unfair, don’t accuse your partner of making mistakes or being the problem. Instead, say something like “I notice we’ve been arguing more than usual” or “I feel like I’ve been doing more of the chores these past few weeks but maybe I’m missing something? Can we make some time to take a look together?”
You might be tempted to skirt around the problem at first, especially if you’re uncomfortable. But when you're clear with the subject right way, it will help both you and your partner to be on the same page before the conversation even starts.
2. Use “I” Statements
Again, it’s important not to blame or find fault with your partner for not meeting your needs. That’s especially true if you haven’t been great at expressing them!
So, when you tell your partner you’re feeling a certain way, whether it’s good or bad, you shouldn’t use inflammatory language that will put them on the defensive. Instead, focus on talking about yourself using “I” statements and being vulnerable.
When you do that, you’re opening up and showing vulnerability, which can lead to a more positive response and some successful changes. For example adding “I miss you”, to the observation that we’ve been arguing more, is likely to disarm your partner. Or saying, “I don’t mind helping out more when you’re busy at work, but I feel closer to you when you notice and appreciate my support.”
3. Start Small and Be Positive
If you’re worried about voicing your needs, start small and be positive. Express a small need to your partner that should be easily doable that they’ll feel good about doing, such as telling them how good it makes you feel to receive a hug or kiss when you come home from work. Most people want to do things that make their partner feel good - it helps a lot to know your “love language” or what lights up your board. Be sure to appreciate your partner when they respond to your needs.
If your relationship has been struggling for a while, starting small and working your way up to larger issues can make things more comfortable and attainable for both of you. Starting out with a large need and/or being negative (e.g., “I need you to initiate sex. Our sex life is disappointing.”) can feel blaming and impossible, and it may turn your partner off to trying at all.
4. Choose the Right Time
It can already be nerve-racking to voice your needs to your partner. So, you need to choose the time wisely. Don’t wait until your partner is distracted or when they need to rush out the door. Carve out regular, dedicated time for the two of you to check in and have an actual conversation with no distractions.
When you both give each other your complete attention and focus, you’ll listen more actively. The more your partner understands your needs and how not meeting them is affecting you, the more likely they will be to take it seriously.
5. Understand It’s a Two-Way Street
It’s okay to be a little nervous about expressing your needs in a relationship. But one thing you can do to find some comfort is to encourage your partner to do the same thing.
Communication is a two-way street, and so are the needs of a relationship. If both of you are nervous about how the other person will respond to your needs, by suppressing them you’re keeping important things from each other that interferes with closeness and that could eventually damage your relationship.
It’s important to recognize that some of your needs may not be able to be met at all, or only partially or it may take time to work out the underlying blocks. By working at being in conversation about what you need from your partner, what your partner needs from you, how it is to hear about each other’s needs, how it is to give and to receive, as well as exploring blocks to giving and receiving, you’ll feel closer.
So, practice expressing your own needs, and invite your partner to open up and do the same with you. When you both make a commitment to work on meeting each other's needs, your relationship will grow and thrive.
If you’re still not sure how to voice your needs or you feel as though you and your partner just aren’t connecting, please contact me. You may benefit from relationship counseling to strengthen your bond and revive your partnership.